I saw Crank last night. Here’s the breakdown.

The Transporter is a hitman named Chelios. This other dude with an over-the-top latino accent (joo know what I’m saying, holmes?) injects him with some hard core Chinese poison (Beijing Cocktail, I think). The only way Chelios can stay alive is to keep the adrenaline pumping. They actually try to explain how it works with inhibitors and crap but WE DON’T CARE! JUST SHOW US THE CRAZY.

As far as THE CRAZY goes, Crank does not disappoint. I went into it expecting action packed viewing and hopefully gratuitous sex. The violence was ridiculous. I mean really. This guy doesn’t let any feeble, elderly person walking with a IV drip stand in his way. KNOCK THAT OLD PERSON DOWN! NEEED DRUGS! CHOP OFF THAT OTHER GUY’S HAND THEN KILL HIM WITH SEVERED HAND STILL HOLDING GUN!

So with all the crazy ridiculous action, I was hoping for crazy ridiculous sex scenes. There wasn’t a lot of T and A but I wasn’t really disappointed either. It might have been the highlight of the movie when dude bends Amy Smart over a newspaper stand in China Town, furiously takes her from behind while holding his arms aloft yelling “I’m alive!!” Then the huge crowd of onlookers burst into applause. It doesn’t really get any more classic than that now does it?

Don’t go see this movie if you want a riveting, well told story with characters that tug at your heart strings. Go see it for the outrageous action, violence and doggie style sex in public places. If that’s your kind of thing.

Oh yeah, and don’t miss Pedro as a crossdressing homosexual. Though I have no idea of his character’s connection to Chelios. He was just sort of randomly thrown in.