JUNO was a big hit, right? Oscar for best screenplay, right? Everybody loved it, right? Well. There were several aspects that I enjoyed about it. e.g. I thought it was the best performance I’ve seen from Jennifer Garner. But Juno’s dialogue. It just tried waaay too hard to sound like a hip teenager to me. That’s why I loved this re-write. A sample.

They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room
set in front of MICHAEL CERA’S HOME.

MICHAEL CERA

Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it’s incredibly quirky of you.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, well I’m pretty quirky.

MICHAEL CERA

So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-

ELLEN PAGE

Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.

ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)

Whenever I see the track team, I can’t help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term “pork swords.”

ELLEN PAGE

Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

MICHAEL CERA

Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I’m going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It’s kind of my thing.

There are several more funny bits in there.