How many times have I heard a woman complain “It’s hard to shop for a man?” Like a lot. Tons. More than I can remember.

Well, ladies, I’m here today to help you out. That’s right, I’m going to tell you what kinds of things you can buy for your man or brother or father or maybe that creepy old man neighbor that he’ll love. No more wondering if he’ll like it or if he, god forbid, needs it.

Yeah, so here’s tip number one, if he needs it, it’s probably not a good gift. There are exceptions to this which I’ll cover later.

Here is the main principal for buying a gift for a man. If he can’t play with it, it sucks. There, I said it. When we were boys, our moms certainly bought us socks and ties but, dang it, in addition they always bought us TOYS. You think we’ve changed any? HELL NO. If after opening my birthday or Christmas presents and there’s nothing for me to play with, I’ll be pouty.

I’m not saying you can’t buy us a nice shirt or a picture frame; that’s cool too. I happen to like new clothes but I can’t very well play with a new pair of pants can I? Nope but I can play in them if you bought me a toy too.

You can buy him items that he needs BUT you’ve got to have some sort of toy in there. And I don’t mean a G.I. Joe figure (though that would be sweet), it can be anything. A new power tool, a radio controlled car or plane or boat or cat, an electronic gadget, a computer game, LEGOS or a car. Hopefully you know your man well enough that you could think of a toy he’d like.

If you are in a new relationship or you don’t know your father that well because his sorry ass left you and your mom when you were three and now 20 years later he’s feeling guilty and is trying to make amends and you have to buy him a Christmas present because he invited you over for Christmas dinner with his “other” family and you’re going to go since you would actually like to have a relationship with your birth father, here’s some things that are no-brainer winners.

Gift certificate to a home improvement center You don’t know what tools he has but every man has to upkeep his residence and every now and then he’ll have to go buy something at Lowe’s or Home Depot. It won’t win his heart because he CAN’T PLAY WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE but still, it’s a start. (hehe, remember that Toys R Us commercial with the kid playing with his raincheck?, “Yay raincheck, I love my raincheck”)

A remote controlled anything Being able to sit on the couch and control a little car, the lights, the TV, the toilet, anything is sooo cool. If you really don’t think RC cars are his thing, try home automation with X10.

ThinkGeek If he’s a techie/geek type of guy, you can’t go wrong with any of the toys here.

A motorcycle He’ll love you forever.

You can get him stuff he needs like underwear or new tires for his car or maybe that fancy pencil sharpener he’d like to ease his carpal tunnel. But if that’s all you get him…oh boy. How would you feel if for your anniversary or your birthday all he got you was a new iron because the other one leaks when you put water in it for the steam action or a new set of hot rollers for your hair? Not very romantic is it? I imagine there’d be some sulking and cold shoulderness. Where you want a well thought-out romantic gift, the guy wants a toy that will excite him and keep him occupied for hours. Otherwise what else is left after the gift unwrapping besides helping you wash the dishes and watching football?

Now of course these are my opinions but I feel I am fairly well qualified to comment on what kinds of gifts that guys like. Wait, lemme check….yup, I have visual confirmation that I’m a guy. Qualified.

So now you’ve got some ideas next time you need to buy a gift for a guy. Try to get away from what you like and take a stroll by the toy department. I’ve never seen a guy get excited over a box of chocolate. Now, I’ll eat it, but I ain’t gonna play with it. But when he rips the wrapping paper off that shiny new Nerf super cannon, watch his eyes light up. I told you, we’re still boys on the inside that want new toys.

I love all you womens (but M the mostest) so I hope you’ll feel more confident buying a gift for your man. If you have any questions about specific gifts, like “I was thinking about giving my guy a big cardboard box full of vintage Star Wars toys that I’ve found, is that a good gift?” just ask in the comments. First, yes, very good gift. Second, STAY OUT OF MY ATTIC!