I went in to get measured for a tux recently as I have a friend’s wedding coming up. The pants are usually adjustable and I inquired about how the sizes break down. I mentioned that I was trying to eat better and exercise so I hoped to have lost a bit of weight by the wedding.

The proprietor of the shop, God bless him, was very trim and offered me some advice. “See what I do is put pillows on top of my feet in bed. You know, on top of the sheets. Then when the alarm goes off, I do a few sets of crunches. The pillows piled up help keep my feet down and then bam! I’ve worked my abs and I’m good for the day.”

Yeeaah. See, sit ups alone don’t really make your pants fit any better. Skinny people with high metabolisms don’t really have a clue. Just don’t eat after 7pm or eat nothing but pasta or mix up some peanut butter and earth worms they’ll say. It doesn’t matter what they do, THEY STAY SKINNY.

Now, that doesn’t mean that they are healthy or physically fit. There are plenty of skinny people in terrible health. But they think if you just do this one thing, you’ll be skinny like them in no time because, come on, it works for them, right? Look at them, they’re skinny, they must know what they’re talking about, right?

Hey skinny people, unless you have ever been fat, don’t offer me advice on how to lose weight and I won’t mash your Twinkie (yummy yummy Twinkie) in your face (and then eat it).

It ain’t nothing for me to put on 30 or 40 pounds in 6 months. Fortunately, if I work hard I can lose it in half that time. I’m the classic yo-yo-er and right now my yo-yo is up. Way up. And I can’t seem to find the motivation to make it go down.

Anyway, the purpose of this post was to tell skinny people to shut it and eat a sammich.