I wrote this on June 8th, 2006 at 12:14am after a couple of beers and sent it to a friend. Thought I’d put it here so I don’t forget.

I wasn’t one that grew up thinking “I want to be an famous actor in movies when I grow up.” So many do though.

I’m not wondering why “now,” as in the timing of it. I’ve been through that process and I’m ok with where I’m at.

I’m wondering what drives a performer.

ima get the obvious ones out of the way. A need for attention. For validation. For perceived acceptance and love. For recognition.

there are highs but there are lows as well. how much of it is masochism? there’s a lot of rejection and hurtful moments to deal with.

i can’t say for sure. i can only look at myself and ask the question. i hear the echo of the question ring out in the vast darkness. what comes back to my ears?

yeah, i need validation and attention. but the times i’ve been recognized for a role or performance in “every day life” did nothing for me. so it’s not that. ovations are nice but that doesn’t do it for me either. i don’t live for the applause at the end. in fact, that might be my least favorite part because it signifies that it’s over.

What’s over? THE CREATION.

The whole process from audition prep to audition to rehearsals to discovery to performace. Performance is fun and it’s the end result, but i can’t say for sure that’s why i do it. i look forward to it. to show off what’s been created.

creation’s the thing man.

breathe.