This was originally titled “Public Penis Pontifications.” But I decided to increase the scope.

At the gym where I workout, they have signs posted everywhere that you MUST have a towel to workout. Of course, they don’t seem to enforce this rule. I see people working out without a towel and leaving their sweat all over everything. Do they get asked to leave? Heck no.

Contrary to popular belief of those that actually do bring a towel, it’s not for you to pat your face when you’ve done 80 reps of 8 lbs while barely bending a joint. I’ve never understood that. I see people sit down at a leg extension machine, for example. They’ll do at least 50 repetitions and barely move their legs; maybe like 10 degrees of total movement. I suppose it’s better than nothing, but it’s annoying when I’m waiting for a machine and the dude is endlessly barely squeaking his knees.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, contrary to popular belief, the towel is not for you, it’s to WIPE YOUR BODY DRIPPINGS OFF THE MACHINE. Really, I’m serious. I’ll see people heave their sweaty wet bodies all over a machine, making sweet sweet aerobic or weight lifting love to it and then take their towel, mop their forehead and walk away.

Oh HELL NO.

Wipe that bitch down! I don’t want to sit on, lay in or even touch your body juice. I understand we’re all sweating and working hard but please please don’t make me clean up after your overactive oily glands.

Now, after you’re done working out, you head to the locker room. Let’s talk about locker room philosophy and etiquette for a bit.

So it’s time to shower. Now I think most men would rather not walk around naked while exposing their downtown bonanza to the rest of the men in the room. But. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t, then you’re ashamed or insecure or not confident or something. And you’re NOT A MAN. So all the guys walk around with their business dangling all hairy and lopsided.

I know. Eww.

From talking to M, I think women are the opposite, it’s not a big deal to be nude in front of each other but nobody does it in the women’s locker room. You know, probably out of respect for one another or maybe not to be rude. Sorry guys, there ain’t no free and clear boobies or possible spontaneous lezbo action going on in the women’s locker room.

So, the guys are all walking around, making everybody uncomfortable (eyes up!). The worst is when one guy is sitting on the bench tying a shoe or something and another guy, who is completely naked, is standing next to him with one foot propped up on the bench like he’s modeling sport coats in the Sears catalogue, talking to him or telling a joke. “God Man! Really?! Could you please get your swinging, hairy BALLS out of my face ’cause I’m trying real hard not to look but I’m about to be hypnotized by their rhythmic pendulum motion. I actually wish you were fatter so that your gut covered up your old, wrinkled genitials.”

Anyway, I avoid the locker room and shower at home when I can but sometimes walking around a room naked with a bunch of other naked guys is what I do on my lunch hour. Wow, I hope THAT gets quoted out of context.