The English language is hard. It’s fairly difficult for even me and it’s the only language that I know. I can’t imagine someone coming here and not speaking the language and having to learn it. It must be really frustrating.

I mean, for example: their or there or they’re. Take a left at the next light. He left after the concert. Don’t forget: to, two and too. And don’t get me started on english idioms. The only rule is there are always exceptions to the rule.

And what about freaking contractions? After someone has learned the basics of the english language and they’ve learned ‘i before e except after c and when in neighbor and weigh’ and all that other crap, we throw contractions at ’em. “Hey, as if your brains aren’t scrambled enough already, check this shit out.”

You know what? I bet they pick it up pretty quick, because contractions really aren’t all that hard. Would + not = wouldn’t. See? Just replace the missing letters with one of these ‘ and you’re all set.

But.

We can’t stop there, no sir. We got to make it even harder on people learning our language. As I said, there are always exceptions to the rule and contractions are no different.

Teacher: Class, please substitute a contraction in this sentence: “I will not be able to attend class today.”

Pedro: I willn’t be able to attend class today.

Teach: I’m sorry Pedro, that is incorrect. It should be “won’t.” I won’t be able to attend class today.

Pedro: ¡Qué lío!

What?! Why why why? Come on, it’s not even a real contraction: wo + not = won’t? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WILLN’T.

I say we start a contraction revolution. We got to help these immigrants out. Sure, they’re taking our jobs and costing us, the taxpayers, billions of dollars, but the injustice must stop here! Now!

Pledge with me to stop using silly contractions like “won’t.” Do it for the good of english. Do it for the good of common decency. Do it for the good of America!

I WILLN’T USE WON’T ANYMORE