Monthly Archives: November 2005

What’s the deal with the left thumbnail?

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This picture was posted on the busblog yesterday. If you don’t read the busblog, well, you should. It’ll make you laugh, cry, get steaming mad, kiss old people, rub Crisco on your elbows, eat your keyboard and maybe care about other issues than yourself. And then you’ll come back for more. But give it time, like many fine things in life, it can be an acquired taste.

Anyway, what’s the first thing I noticed about the picture? Answer: the stuff under the left thumbnail. That maybe a weird thing to notice but dammit! this is a mystery I’ve been trying to figure out for years. This is not to call into question Tony’s personal hygiene practices because as I look down at my left thumbnail, I see crap under it too! And there’s nothing under any of my other nails.

See, I noticed this trend a long time ago and I have yet to figure out why I get crap under my left thumbnail and only my left thumbnail. I can clean it out and later in the day I look down and ack! it’s back. What am I unconsciously doing that I get an unknown substance under my left thumbnail and not under any of the nine other nails?

First of all, what is this mystery substance? Is it just plain dirt? Quite possibly. Is it dingleberries from my asscrack? I’m pretty sure that I don’t unconsciously scratch or dig in my pooper with my left thumb during the day so that one’s out (but maybe with my right thumb). Is it mashed up ants? Ew. What about pocket lint? Good guess, I’d say. Then there’s always really old banana. Nah. Thumbnail juice? Now I’m just making stuff up.

Ok, I’m not really sure what it is but how does it get there? What is my left thumb doing unbeknownst to me? Does it wander off when I’m not looking and go play outside? I know I get dirty sometimes when I play outside. Is it digging a tunnel to China? Every kid knows that this can be done if you dig a hole deep enough and I’ve always thought of my left thumb as a kid at heart. In its tiny little thumb heart. Maybe it runs off to start revolutionary wars in south american countries. I’ve always suspected that my thumb had Marxist leanings. I mean, it is my left thumb. I’m pretty sure it hung with Che before we met and it became my thumb. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I don’t really know what the answers are but I vow to keep a closer eye on my thumb from now on. You know, for the niños sake.

It’s with a heavy heart

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that I report you can no longer get beer at Umi’s on Sunday.

Please, please try to keep it together.

Here’s the thing, in my little college town we just recently were able to buy cold beer at the store. Since the dawn of time we could only buy our beer hot. I think this was to discourage drinking and driving or something retarded like that. All the peoples rejoiced when the decree came down from on high that we could buy cold beer.

But.

You still can’t buy beer anywhere on Sunday. Not at the store, not at a restaurant. I guess it’s a sin to drink beer on Sunday.

Until.

One Sunday evening I went to the local Japanese place that had been re-opened under new management. When I said I wanted water, the waitress said “That’s all? You don’t want hot tea or a beer?” “Beer?” I asked. She nodded. About three drink orders at the table changed immediately.

After the waitress left, we gleefully decided that the new management didn’t know that they weren’t supposed to serve alcohol on Sunday. We thought it was our civic duty to let them know so we….nahhhh.

It became a new tradition. Every other week or so, we’d go to Umi’s for sushi and beer on Sunday evening.

Then.

Last night we were told by our server (AJ, who’s the best waiter evar and is familiar with our Sunday tradition) that we could no longer order beer. ARRRRRGGGHHHH. Some uppity anti-beer fascist must’ve told on them or something.

Please join me in mourning our collective loss of secret beer on Sunday.

Family Thanksgiving: Tabacco and Meth Production

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If there was ever any doubt about where I live (redneck capitol), let me relate some of the events of today.

Last night I drove from my mother-in-law’s in Tupelo back home to Starkville to meet up with some friends. One in particular was visiting from Toronto where he runs his own casting company for print ads and commercials. I hadn’t seen him in a few years so it was cool to catch up and learn about his business.

I got up this morning to drive back to Tupelo (Nettleton, really) to pick up M and her younger sister to go to their dad’s family Thanksgiving dealio. First we needed to swing by the younger sister’s boyfriend’s trailer and pick him up.

He ain’t there.

She calls him on his cell phone to find out that his dad woke him up early that morning all in a tizzy. If rednecks have tizzys that is. It seems that his mom, who recently left his dad for another guy and had gotten into the meth making business, got locked up in the jailhouse. So he couldn’t come to the Thanksgiving dealio on account that his maw was locked up for making the meth.

Cut to the father-in-law’s family’s place. The teenage boys are out in the yard throwing the football around. Runnin’, jumpin’, shoutin’. That seems right, you know, an all-american kind of a thing to do. Except that some of ’em have cigarettes barely hanging from their lips as they run around. I thought you had to have been smoking at least 20 years to master the cigarette-barely-hanging-from-the-lips-while-engaging-in-some-sort-of-physical-activity trick. I guess not.

Then their 2 year old cousin comes up to me. He’s got some dark stuff around his mouth and he announces “I got some dip” and pulls his lip and cheek away from his gums to proudly prove that he does in fact have dip. He spits and then walks on. We asked the grandma if he really dips and she’s like “Yeah, he dips and chews tobacco.” Two. Years. Old. Ho-ly poop.

Well anyway, we were told that we’d be eating at 1:00pm but it was more like 1:45pm and I had to be back in Starkville for a meeting at 4:00pm (to which I was late) so we literally ate and ran.

The teenage boys were getting their huntin’ gear together to go shoot stuff and grandma was like “C ain’t goin’. His momma said for him to stay right here cause he’s grounded. He got all F’s.” Ouch. He’s about 15 and in the sixth grade. He’s failed many grades many times. Poor guy. Maybe if they had classes in runnin’, jumpin’, huntin’ and chewin’ he’d be more interested and do better.

That made for an interesting day. I won’t go into M’s mom’s alcoholic ex-boyfriend that showed up all but unannounced on Thanksgiving morning.

[Sam Beckett] Oh boy [/Sam Beckett]

Merry Thankfullness Day

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What am I thankful for? Today is a day to think about what things one is thankful for, I think. Though I have been under the impression that it was all about finding an excuse to eat so much that you want to die.

So. Thankful. Right. My wife, my family, my

Oh, the food’s ready. Sweet! Good thing we just installed that vomitorium. I can eat all day non-stop. Sonzyeah.

Theatre Update

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So last Friday I had the improv show. I was really nervous at the beginning of the week but by Friday I was just ready to make the funnay happen.

Highlights from the show:

-First game was Questions. In this game you and your partner are basically only allowed to ask questions to build the scene. If you make a statement or a non sequitur or repeat a question, you’re out and another person takes your place. (Rosencrantz and Guildernstern Are Dead, anyone?) Anyway, the setting, which was provided by the audience, was Hell. I’m about third in line and when it’s my turn, I open with “Is that a snowflake?” The other person says something to the effect of “What’s going on?” I comeback with “Did Mississippi State win a game?” Booyah, instant comedy. Actually for my first joke it got pretty good laughs (since our football team ain’t so good. When I say good I mean sucks.) Getting a big laugh early on relaxed me somewhat and gave me a bit of confidence.

-Will and Lily making out in Half Life and being in every other game together. They are both high energy people and they were fun to watch. After intermission when we came back into the lab theatre, Will and Lily went around the back way and were behind the “backdoor” in an embrace. So we all walk in the “front door” and the back door opens and there they are “caught” in an embrace. It was funny but I think you probably had to be there.

-Getting fondled in my first show. I was a prop in Living Scenery. In this game two people act out a scene and two other people are the props for the scene. Well I was a toilet and the other prop, er, person Derek was a wrench. And you know, uh, wrenches fiddle with nuts and bolts and stuff and well, uh, my nuts got fiddled with.

-I fell down or died a lot and by the end of the night, by knee was sore from where it was breaking my falls. Note to self, need a new falling technique.

There were other funny moments, but I can’t remember them all. It was a lot of fun and I look forward to the next show (probably February).

In other news, Story Theatre opened Tuesday morning. Having an actual audience (and children at that) made it so much more fun. For some reason I can’t quite identify, I didn’t feel very good about my performance on Tuesday. We did another show today and I felt a lot better about it but I can’t really put my finger on a reason.

I’ve learned sooo much in the last several weeks as we’ve put this show together. This is my first play and it’s been absolutely great. Our director Kevin Kern (also my teacher in the acting class) is very knowledgeable and he knows how to teach it to his students and cast. I’ve also learned a lot from the cast. They’re all younger than me by *ahem* a few years but they all have more stage experience than me and it’s been cool to learn from them. They’ve been totally awesome and have included me in their, uh, social interactions, which I appreciate.

If you are in the area you have two more opportunities to see the show: Thursday night the 17th at 7:30pm (general audience) and Friday morning the 18th at 9:30am (school children show).

I’ll be sad after Friday cause they’ll be no more shows or rehearsals. I won’t get to hang out with swell theatre MSU people much. But I’m looking forward to the next opportunity which is coming up in December at Starkville Community Theatre: auditions for Terror By Gaslight. I had so much fun and met so many great people at SCT over the summer for my first experience on the stage with the musical revue that I hope to get a part in the show cause I know it’ll be another great SCT experience.

Ok, that’s it for now. Harry Potter and Walk The Line open this weekend, I think. Gonna try to see ’em both.

Don’t tell my mom but

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tomorrow night I’m Runnin’ With Scissors.

Yep, my first improv show is tomorrow night Friday the 11th at 7:30pm at McComas Hall in the lab theatre. I’m totally excited and a little bit nervous (everytime I think about it, I poop a little in my pants). I mean, I might freeze up and won’t be able to speak. Or maybe I won’t be funny.

Ok, haha, that’s ridiculous. Of course, I’ll be funny. Heck, if I can’t think of anything to say, THE CLOTHES ARE COMING OFF.

Which reminds me of one thing I’ve learned since I got involved in theatre lo these 5 months: theatre people will take off their clothes at the drop of a hat and with no provocation whatsoever. Interesting tidbit for ya there.

Anyway, there will be another show at 10:00pm. I’m not in that one so you’ll want to come and see both, obviously. Drive, fly, run, tricycle, pogo stick: whatever you gotta do to get here and see the show. You’ll need to clear any excuses with me prior to the show

Otherwise, you’ll be hearing from me.

TangleBriarPatchWood

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What’s with the cutesy, not-so-clever subdivision names? AND WHY MUST THEY ALL END IN ‘WOOD?’

Seriously, does anybody know? Tanglewood, Briarwood, Kingwood, Wildwood, etc etc. Maybe it’s just this part of the country, you know, the South. I haven’t really paid attention in other parts of the country to see if they follow this retarded naming convention.

I guess they don’t all end in ‘wood’ but without fail they all have some sort of ‘tard factor. Other popular endings might include such gems as Hills, Acres, Estates or Valley. HA! Pretentious, unimaginative, frou-frou and lame is what I say.

Do these developers really think that the potential buyer might believe the subdivision name reflects a resident wildlife population or flora feature of the land? If they do, they’re going about it all wrong. I mean, why name it Briarwood or Greenbriar? It’s not going to inspire me to buy property there. Hello, like I really want to purchase some property where everyday activities include smearing ridiculous amounts of antibiotic cream on my sweet briar cuts. Or having to dodge bounding deer everytime I back out of my driveway in the classy Leaping Deer Meadow Parkwood subdivision.

See, what they should do it name the subdivision something more enticing. Oh I don’t know…maybe something like Chicken Fried Steak and Macaroni and Cheese…Hills. Heck yeah I’d live somewhere like that. Hills of Mac and Chee. YES.

Food? No? Ok, how about Gin and Tonic, uh, Wood. I think you gotta tack on the Wood or Hills or Meadow because otherwise people would just be too confused. How does T and A Hollow sound? Yeah, you’d live there. You’d frickin buy three lots at the new Bubble Buns neighborhood. But you might skip Quail Willow Crest.

Where would you rather live Mr. Pibb and Cheese-It Estates or Maplewood? Sleeping ’til Noon On Fluffy Pillows With Mom Making Pancakes In The Kitchen Which You Will Eat Right After Having Morning Sex With A Porn Star Of Your Choice Valley or Knollwood Heights? Hmmmm tough decision.

Anyway, I think I’ll get in contact with the developers in my area that are putting in new subdivisions. There’s one going in right now not two miles from where I live. Maybe if I’m not too late I can stop another Oak Hills and have a Good Book and Soft Toilet Paper Creek instead.

Advice For The Womens: How To Buy A Gift For The Mens

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How many times have I heard a woman complain “It’s hard to shop for a man?” Like a lot. Tons. More than I can remember.

Well, ladies, I’m here today to help you out. That’s right, I’m going to tell you what kinds of things you can buy for your man or brother or father or maybe that creepy old man neighbor that he’ll love. No more wondering if he’ll like it or if he, god forbid, needs it.

Yeah, so here’s tip number one, if he needs it, it’s probably not a good gift. There are exceptions to this which I’ll cover later.

Here is the main principal for buying a gift for a man. If he can’t play with it, it sucks. There, I said it. When we were boys, our moms certainly bought us socks and ties but, dang it, in addition they always bought us TOYS. You think we’ve changed any? HELL NO. If after opening my birthday or Christmas presents and there’s nothing for me to play with, I’ll be pouty.

I’m not saying you can’t buy us a nice shirt or a picture frame; that’s cool too. I happen to like new clothes but I can’t very well play with a new pair of pants can I? Nope but I can play in them if you bought me a toy too.

You can buy him items that he needs BUT you’ve got to have some sort of toy in there. And I don’t mean a G.I. Joe figure (though that would be sweet), it can be anything. A new power tool, a radio controlled car or plane or boat or cat, an electronic gadget, a computer game, LEGOS or a car. Hopefully you know your man well enough that you could think of a toy he’d like.

If you are in a new relationship or you don’t know your father that well because his sorry ass left you and your mom when you were three and now 20 years later he’s feeling guilty and is trying to make amends and you have to buy him a Christmas present because he invited you over for Christmas dinner with his “other” family and you’re going to go since you would actually like to have a relationship with your birth father, here’s some things that are no-brainer winners.

Gift certificate to a home improvement center You don’t know what tools he has but every man has to upkeep his residence and every now and then he’ll have to go buy something at Lowe’s or Home Depot. It won’t win his heart because he CAN’T PLAY WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE but still, it’s a start. (hehe, remember that Toys R Us commercial with the kid playing with his raincheck?, “Yay raincheck, I love my raincheck”)

A remote controlled anything Being able to sit on the couch and control a little car, the lights, the TV, the toilet, anything is sooo cool. If you really don’t think RC cars are his thing, try home automation with X10.

ThinkGeek If he’s a techie/geek type of guy, you can’t go wrong with any of the toys here.

A motorcycle He’ll love you forever.

You can get him stuff he needs like underwear or new tires for his car or maybe that fancy pencil sharpener he’d like to ease his carpal tunnel. But if that’s all you get him…oh boy. How would you feel if for your anniversary or your birthday all he got you was a new iron because the other one leaks when you put water in it for the steam action or a new set of hot rollers for your hair? Not very romantic is it? I imagine there’d be some sulking and cold shoulderness. Where you want a well thought-out romantic gift, the guy wants a toy that will excite him and keep him occupied for hours. Otherwise what else is left after the gift unwrapping besides helping you wash the dishes and watching football?

Now of course these are my opinions but I feel I am fairly well qualified to comment on what kinds of gifts that guys like. Wait, lemme check….yup, I have visual confirmation that I’m a guy. Qualified.

So now you’ve got some ideas next time you need to buy a gift for a guy. Try to get away from what you like and take a stroll by the toy department. I’ve never seen a guy get excited over a box of chocolate. Now, I’ll eat it, but I ain’t gonna play with it. But when he rips the wrapping paper off that shiny new Nerf super cannon, watch his eyes light up. I told you, we’re still boys on the inside that want new toys.

I love all you womens (but M the mostest) so I hope you’ll feel more confident buying a gift for your man. If you have any questions about specific gifts, like “I was thinking about giving my guy a big cardboard box full of vintage Star Wars toys that I’ve found, is that a good gift?” just ask in the comments. First, yes, very good gift. Second, STAY OUT OF MY ATTIC!

I suck

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because I’m lazy. I can’t seem to get myself up in the mornings in time to exercise. My eating’s not very good but not very bad either so my weight is just hanging out.

My co-worker and I are about to start meeting at the gym for workouts so that should give me more incentive to get up and at ’em.

I haven’t really told you much about Story Theatre rehearsals or all the cool college kids I’ve met this semester. I’m actually thinking of including them in some future videos for the blog. I mean, so far it’s just been me being an idiot, why not have other people be idiots with me on the internets? But anyway, ST rehearsals have been great and amazing and sooo much fun. I demand that you come to a performance. I’ll post more about it later.

Reading then bed time…