…sometimes it is better to be messy than sit on your balls.

It’s true. I share this hard-won life lesson with you, the reader, because I care about you and I don’t want you to have to learn this one the hard way.

I happen to drink a lot of water. It’s good for you, flushes your system out and it makes you have to pee. Alot. I try to curtial my water consumption in the evening so that I will not have to get up during the night to pee. Alas, despite my best intentions, sometimes you just have to get yourself up out of bed and go pee.

I do not turn on the bathroom light because, one, I know where the major obstacles are and the location of the toilet and two, because if I were to turn on the light my pupils would contract inwards so fast, my eyeballs would turn inside out. It’s really hard to pee when your eyeballs are turned inside out. So with the lights out, I stumble to the toilet and the question is: sit or stand?

Honestly, I usually sit because I’m barely awake and I’m afraid that in my half-lidded state I will pee all over the floor. Normally I sit and evacuate my bladder without incident, but here’s where life lesson #32 comes in. Sometimes in the stumbling, dark dead-of-night it is better to piss a bit on the floor than come up short when you go to put your cheeks on the seat. If you come up short there’s a really good chance that instead of feeling the cool plastic seat, you’ll feel something warm and squishy immediately followed by searing pain. At this point, clutching the family jewels, you fall off the toilet all together and end up in a heap on the floor. In the intense pain, your bladder control efforts are re-routed to pain control efforts and there is probably a lot of pee on the floor now (and probably yourself), not to mention the blinding, tear-inducing pain in your groin area.

As the pain subsides several hours later, you get up and turn on the light to see the damage. But you can’t because now your eyeballs are inside out. After waiting 30 or 45 minutes you are able to discern that you need towels, lots of towel and a hot shower. After you clean everything up, you fall exhausted back into bed only to realize you have to get up in 15 minutes for work.

The lesson here, gentlemen, is to keep a small towel handy for the occasional errant shot that hits the rim or even the floor. I mean, there’s not much worse than sitting on your own nuts and subsequently peeing on yourself.