So you’ve probably heard about the recent shark attacks in Florida. It’s pretty scary. I just can’t imagine being out in the water and then some big fish happens by and decides that you look tasty and takes your leg off. It would be terrifying and painful. I don’t live anywhere near the gulf, ocean or sea so why am I worried? Answer: I’m taking a beach trip with some old school buddies in a few weeks to Destin, where the first attack happened.

What’s a guy to do? Travel all the way to Florida, rent a condo for an extended weekend and not go to the beach? Heck no! So I’ve come up with some possible solutions to ensure I won’t get my tasty bits gnawed on.

Wear a suit of armor Ok this is the first one out of the gate and I’ll admit, it’s a little weak. Yes, the suit will most likely prevent the removal of your limbs from your body but there are some downsides.

• It’s heavy so if a wave knocks you over, you could very well drown. End result, you die.
• It might rust from being in the salty water. No one will want to hang out with you because of how much you squeak.
• It’s cost prohibitive. Have you seen how much these things go for on eBay? Jeez. Not to mention the shipping costs.
• The chafing, oh god, the chafing.

Carry a thick stick about a foot in length This isn’t a bad one. You’ve seen this trick before, they do it on the TV all the time, granted in cartoons, but still. You must be alert. When you see the shark approaching, set your legs and body in a strong defensive stance. As the shark opens his or her mouth to chomp on you, wedge the stick in the open orifice. Just watch out for the sharp teeth. Man, that shark will be so pissed! Make sure you get a strong stick or the shark might break it in two and then come after you again. The problem with this one is the difficulty in timing it just right. You might need to practice on one at Sea World first but they may not let you. I’ll look into it.

Attach a handle to a large piece of plexiglass. Think of one of those police riot shields, it’s the same concept. Again, you must be alert, you can’t be caught by a surprise attack. Once again, when you see the shark approaching, take a strong defensive stance. Make sure to get the plexiglass between you and the shark. Hold on tight to the handle and when the shark strikes, shove the Shark Shield in its face. See, he won’t be able to get at you because of the shield. He’ll try and try but he can’t break through. I mean, he can see you right there, Why can’t I get him, the shark’ll wonder. You’ll just laugh and laugh at that stupid shark. Since the Shark Shield is clear plexiglass you can optionally have one of those waterproof disposable cameras for capturing the shark’s frustrating grimaces. Eventually he’ll get tired and leave you alone. Just think of the stories you’ll tell your friends and you’ll have documentation.

Charge up your taser. With nods to Chief Martin Brody. If that danged shark comes after you, let him know he can’t mess with you, cause you’re busy ogling the girls (or boys). It’s simple, with the shark coming at you or if he’s already got a hold on your leg, zap him with your taser. Tasers are portable and you could probably fit it in your fanny pack. The downside is, well, if you’re in the water too, which I guess you would be if you have a shark hanging off your leg, you will get zapped too. I think it’s a small price to pay for keeping all of your appendages.

If these sound too complicated, just poke that shark in the eye. Who in the heck likes a finger in the eye?

If you can think of a better way to ward of the man-eaters, let me know, ’cause I’m going in that water!